fightoffyourdemons,

My dream last night had someone from my past who caused considerable pain towards me, I woke up not really knowing how I felt about it, but it plagued me all day. Tonight at work his dad came in, which was unusual because I know that Thursday is their day for fish and chips. Something just doesn’t sit right with me about that - if this is divine intervention, I’m not really sure what He’s trying to say to me. I’m done with that part of my life. I don’t think I have any more lessons left to learn from it…or perhaps I do? I mean that entire situation still manages to affect my life today. And it sucks. It has made it harder to trust, harder to be myself, harder to believe the good in people. It’s made me continually doubt my feelings toward, well, anyone really. It seemingly still has it’s grip on me, in a way, which I don’t very much care to admit. So maybe there are more lessons to be learnt. Just stay the hell out of my dreams. 

In other news, I’ve been frustrated at a lot of things.

Frustrated at organisations preaching gospel but living prosperity - the two are NOT interchangeable.

Frustrated at abundance of ability but lack of effort.

Frustrated at the fickleness of people. Frustrated with forward motion turning into backpeddaling. 

Frustrated at God, sometimes. 

But most of all, frustrated at myself. I feel stuck. Like there’s something that has me stranded right here. I second guess myself at every turn nowadays, whereas something I most admired in myself was my ability to be confident about my decisions that I came to on my own. My feeling of purpose almost seems to be dissipating. Though it’s not that it’s not there at all, rather that it’s being shrouded. I need guidance, but I feel like when I seek God He is too busy to care. Or that I’m too busy to hear Him. Not busy time wise, but busy spiritually. I think my problem is worrying.

Lord relieve me of this worry.

A week ago today I went for a job interview I desperately wanted. It was working in a youth centre. I would have been making friends with young people and getting paid for it. I had high hopes, I felt my interview went really well and the staff were friendly and genuine, it all seemed like a good fit. Four days ago I got a call telling me I didn’t get the job, despite all staff members being impressed with my interview. 

A long time ago I stopped getting excited for anything, following this I stopped getting hopeful for anything because expectations always ended up letting me down. I don’t feel this way anymore, but things in life recently have reminded me of why my (albeit impractically safe) mindset came about in the first place. 

However; I know God is on the throne, and if this was not where I needed to be, He wouldn’t let me be there. I’m hoping that’s what this is a case of, and not that I’m an inherent loser. A month or so ago I admitted how much I struggle to put my trust in God - OF COURSE He then gives me more opportunities to trust Him. He’s a jerk like that, but I love Him. 

….But I love Him. A bold statement. Someone asked me a few days ago whether God still loves him, even if he’s had sex before marriage. I went to Jay and Silent Bob Get Old last month, and Hillsong was mentioned; it was called a cult by an audience member, and that statement received a roaring round of applause. These two events have stuck out at me. Why is it that the public thinks a megachurch means cult, and that sex out of wedlock means denial of love? Why do unchurched people have the view that The Church (or our denomination) is about $ and not LOVE? Is it because we as believers don’t fully understand God’s love, and therefore can’t show it? I don’t know, but I feel like it needs to be addressed. And so I’m going to make a bold move and preach on love on Friday.

God help me.